I am not a psychologist.
I’m not an expert in human relationships
nor a researcher into the human brain and psyche.
I’m just a plain ordinary person trying to live her best life in harmony with my family.
Here’s how I truly believe you can achieve family harmony:
LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS
ThIs revelation did not come easily.
This revelation did not come naturally.
It was learned over the years as my kids grew up, daughters-in law and grandkids joined our ranks, as traditions evolved, as key family members passed away and as the geographical configuration of our family shifted.
At times the learning curve was easy, but most of the time it was tough.
The people we love most are not perfect.
They may say things in anger that perhaps should have remained unsaid.
They met not listen as carefully at times as we would like them to.
They may have ways of supporting us that we don’t consider as important or as helpful as what we feel we rightfully need.
When I got past:
Wishing my husband intrinsically knew what I needed and when
Expecting my adult children to show affection to me in the same way they did as four-year-olds
Anticipating holiday get-togethers would heal old and lingering family wounds,
I realized this is MY TIME TO SHINE and I can’t shine if I am always disappointed.
So I kicked out unrealistically high expectations, replacing rigidness with openness and gratitude.
PRACTICE POSITIVITY
How many times have my friends and I chatted about what went wrong with a family visit, what aggravated us during a holiday meal with our relatives, and which of their pet peeves drove us nuts?
And what have I found?
Asking one question could and would completely change the tone of the remembrance.
The question: Tell me one thing that happened that filled your heart with love?
My question is usually slightly startling, but then jumpstarts their thinking in a more positive direction.
Their voice lowers.
Their faces swerve away from grimaces and meld into softness.
Their gaze is less intense and more recollective, not antagonistic and combative.
One gesture of kindness and one welcoming action
remembered and savored.
When we consciously search for the kernels of goodness within the hearts of those who love us, there is a great chance we will find it.
SEE THE OTHER PERSON’S PERSPECTIVE
For years I was so angry about a decision my husband made. His father had been diagnosed with cancer and my husband was spending an inordinate amount of time with him – which I THOUGHT I understood. My husband’s favorite band was coming to town. I had gotten concert tickets for he and I for his birthday.
I couldn’t wait to tell him. I couldn’t wait to give him something enjoyable to look forward to – something that would give pause to the sadness over his dad that was enveloping him.
My husband flat out refused to leave his father’s bedside to accompany me to the concert – even though his sisters and his mother were also sharing in his father’s care.
It wasn’t until years later, when my own dad got sick, that I understood my husband’s profound need to stick as close to his dad as he could for as long as he could. The final decision on whether I took a leave of absence from work and flew to back to Ohio to be with he and my mom was my move to make. And, of course, my husband understood that.
At times, though, even when we carefully consider another family members’ perspective, we still may have bursts of resentment and lingering anger. That’s when I open my front door, step out to my covered porch and look to my left. This is what I see: a welcome sign adorning our front door.
It can be applied not only to marriage, but any two people who truly care about each other and are just trying the best they can.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
