March 16, 1970 – forty-eight years ago today – was my due date for the birth of my first son, Harry. I would end up delivering him into this world three long weeks later. As I remember, those weeks were filled with anxiety over the mechanics of the actual birthing process and how much it would hurt. And I recall feeling quite relieved over having three more weeks to prepare for becoming a mom.
In reality, the hospital I delivered at was putting mothers to sleep so I missed the entire birthing experience and my husband, who was banished to the waiting room, was as clueless as me as to how Harry actually entered the world. And having three more weeks of preparation for being a mom? Joke time. Nothing prepares you for the monumental task of parenting.
I’m way past diapering, grade school playground skirmishes, teenage angst, college applications and graduations. My youngest child is almost thirty-four and I’m STILL grappling with parenting angst – now centered on how to be a happier parent of adult children.
I question my relevancy in my adult children’s lives – especially when I send out a group text and not one of them replies. And I don’t know any parent who doesn’t have at least one sticky situation they can’t seem to satisfactorily resolve.
That is why I was so excited to chat with Dr. Ruth Nemzoff – who sprouts mama-loshen – the Yiddish word for common sense. Our entire podcast was peppered through with her practical, straightforward advice on how to create close relationships with our adult children – even when popular wisdom advises us to fade quietly into the woodwork.
You can listen to the full episode here on my blog, or on iTunes.
Here are some of Dr. Ruth Nemzoff’s insights:
- No one has all the answers when it comes to family dynamics; we just have our own experiences
- We spend more time in relationships with our kids as adults then as kids
- Times change – recognize the reality of what living is like today as opposed to when we were raising kids
- Different things work and do not work with each particular child
- Most relationships have blips, but that doesn’t mean you don’t love each other
- Focus on what we have gained, not lost, with becoming empty nesters – less time pressure, greater freedom. Take joy from what you have now and what can you do with that time to bring you happiness
Here are some questions Dr Ruth Nemzoff and I both pondered and discussed:
- How can we maintain ties with family members who have different political and religious beliefs?
- How can we tell if we are really close to our children?
- There are many ways for adult kids to show caring. Do sons and daughters help their parents in different ways as they age?
- Can we be friends with our adult kids?
- How honest can we be about our financial situations, end of life choices, expectations for their help as we age?
- Weddings and engagements can bring out the worst in us all! How can we avoid the minefields that inevitably arise?
- After the wedding, what are some guidelines for good relationships?
If you’d like to hear even more wise wisdom from Dr. Ruth Nemzoff, her book is available on Amazon: Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with your Adult Children.
You can subscribe to my podcast in iTunes here.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris