I received the following reader’s comment from a column I wrote about the December Dilemma – when your offspring are in mixed marriages and sharing holidays are problematic. And feelings are intensely painful.
Here is the reader response to my column, whose daughter is intermarried:
My daughter drives to upstate New York with her husband and their two teenagers to spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family.
My husband and I live in Maryland. We don’t get any visits. Instead, if we want to see our daughter and grandkids we fly to their city and stay at a hotel near our daughter’s house. These trips cost us $1,500 to $2,000 each time we go. (They don’t have room for us to stay with them at their house). Our granddaughter is a theater kid, and we have flown to see nearly every one of her school and community theater productions. We’ve flown up to see our grandson play in little league games.
Since 2010, we have rented a house near them for three weeks every summer, and drive 12 hours each way, just so we can spend some time with our daughter and her family (again, on our dime). Our grandkids are now 13 and 17, so we’ve been doing this for a long time.
We have consistently paid for airfare for our daughter and her kids to fly down to visit with us for their February winter break. We send them gifts all the time. We rarely get acknowledgments.
I am always upset at this time of the year. My daughter posts pictures on Instagram of her husband’s family’s celebrations. That’s how I know they are there. I feel very sad and alone every year from mid-November to January. And now that my husband and I are older, it feels like we’ve been abandoned. The pull of our son-in-law’s family is insurmountable during this time.
Since we are now in our mid-70’s, travel is becoming harder and harder. It irks me that they spend so much time with the my son-in-law’s family. The last time my son-in-law came to our house was 5 years ago.
Every year it gets harder and harder to deal with this dilemma. Our son-in-law is the youngest of 6 children, so our grandchildren are drawn to his big family with lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins. We have an unmarried son who lives far away. We can’t compete.
Do you have any advice for abandoned grandparents during this time of the year?
Of course, I was immediately intimidated by the prospect of trying to solve my reader’s heart wrenching dilemma. And so I hesitated to offer my opinion. Why? I have no impressive letters after my name giving me credence as having an expertise in psychology and/or counseling. I am not a life doula, life coach or member of the clergy. I am a writer, speaker and storyteller. Period.
However, those “incidental” facts don’t stop my gut from reacting to her woes. And my gut reaction is as follows:
Dear Abandoned Grandparents,
You can change your behavior, but you risk compromising your values and taking away the joy of giving – along with seeing your grandchildren in their element.
I’d try lowering my expectations.
I’d try finding other sources of joy.
I’d try talking to your daughter honestly about this and asking her for suggestions.
I’d try establishing a one-on-one with each of your grandkids based on their interests.
ALL EASIER SAID THAN DONE, I ADMIT!
Very uneasy with my answer, I looked to the best resource around: Ruth Nemzoff. A wise, wise woman and author of the book: Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with your Adult Children.
Here is Ruth’s response:
People often talk about money when really they have hurt feelings. This seems to be the case here.
Different families offer different things:
It seems like one family is much wealthier and can offer gifts, trips and attention.
It seems that the other family is offering an extended family of support.
Ideally, the grandparents should be glad that their daughter and her family have this experience and level of care.
The grandparents who wrote in set-up this situation – does it need to be updated due to a change in the couple’s finances? Can they still afford it? If it fiscal, they need to say that.
Does the situation need to be updated due to health concerns? Aging issues? We run the continuum with kids when viewing their parents as they age. Some kids think their parents are infallible and will live forever. Others think their parents are frail and need protection.
The Issue here doesn’t seem to be the money, but hurt feelings. The “abandoned” couple needs to ask themselves what they feel and what they really want.
Do they think their daughter doesn’t love them?
Do they feel they are being taken for granted?
Do they yearn for more attention from their daughter?
Perhaps It’s time for a discussion – as difficult as it may be.
What would make them feel less taken for granted?
What do they want?
What can parents of married children do around the holidays to make themselves less lonely and more engaged when their married children are with the spouse’s family? Ruth suggests one might want to look at some activities that could dispel the gloom and make ourselves happier.
Reach out to others who are alone.
Zoom with long distance friends and relatives.
Volunteer at a shelter or food kitchen on the actual holiday.
A woman Ruth knew moved to a new town. She rented out the party room in her complex for Thanksgiving. She put a note up at the local synagogue that anyone who didn’t have a place to go could come to the party room for dinner (and to please bring a dish). The event was a roaring success.
Let us all remember the above advice when someone else gets what we so desperately want.
And Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor