Three Friends in Two Weeks – Iris Ruth Pastor

There is no gentle way to say this: My husband and I lost three special friends within a two-week period. Their ages: 83, 72 and 65.

Two had health issues, but their deaths were nevertheless unexpected. Both died in front of their wives – wives who had stood by their sides for close to five decades. Caregiving was an everyday, 24/7 reality for these couples.

My other friend died suddenly after re-starting her life as a single woman. Her last public picture was snapped at a non-profit gala: she is dressed head-to-toe in hippie garb, with a dazzling smile and glowing expression.

Sometimes well-intentioned people say the wrong thing.

It’s easy to stick even your mini-size 5 foot in your mouth in a difficult situation like death.

Research shows people who are grieving are more likely to think “She is a moron,” instead of “She was uncomfortable with this situation,” after someone lobs an insensitive, invasive or awkward comment.

So, here are some really stupid things NOT to say to loved ones left behind:

It’s better this way.
Time heals all wounds.
I know what you’re feeling. I understand what you’re going through.
It’s part of God’s plan. She/he is in a better place.
What happened?
At least you’re not going through (and then cite your personal story…)
Stay strong.
Everything will be okay.
It was his/her time.
Don’t be sad when there’s so much to be grateful for.
G-d needed him/her more than you do.
People have been through worse.
We all have problems.
G-d never gives you more than you can handle.
Everyone dies eventually.
You can re-marry.

Be aware of the bereaved feelings and concerns, particularly after the loss of a spouse:

I feel like I lost my best friend.
I feel guilty that I didn’t do enough for him/her.
I am afraid.
I am devastated.
I am worrying about lots of things.
Suddenly I feel very old.
I am thinking about my own death more frequently.
I’m relieved the suffering’s over, but guilty for feeling that way.

I’m trying to process the permanence of him/her not being here with me. And what he/she will be missing, not what I will be missing.

What helps the mourners?

Texting is great and stating you don’t expect a response is even better.
Listening.
Expressing that you have no idea what they are going through or how it feels.

Understanding there are so many death-related tasks all at one to be done from the mundane to long lasting – choosing a casket, arranging for a burial plot, canceling future doctor appointments, writing an obit, selecting burial attire, securing clergy to officiate, post-funeral arrangements.

Offering to do specific tasks such as coming to walk their dog, picking up a prescription or fetching a relative at the airport. This lifts the burden off the survivors to come up with a task for you to do.

Sending something special to them – my hand-knitted pouches with comforting, personalized messages tucked inside have worked well.

Showing up. With food. Or organizing meal deliveries during those first wrenching weeks.

What should the person offering comfort keep in mind:

Realize that losing a life partner involves a dismantling of the life they have built together.

Realize that grief is accompanied by feelings of anger, despair, disbelief, shock, numbness, apathy, loss of appetite, and lack of energy.

Acceptance of the death of a loved one varies with each individual.
Doing something is always better than doing nothing.

Losing friends and family is a part of living and living longer. And dealing with loss in a healthy way is an important component of sound mental health at every age.

Here’s to managing our losses and maximizing our joys!

Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor

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