Plagiarism – that dreaded charge that all published writers fear.
Long ago, in the 1980’s, I had lunch with Susan Isaacs, then a best-selling novelist. She confided that she too fears plagiarism’s brute force. To guard against having her brain assaulted with ideas from other novelists, she refrains from reading fiction altogether.
I purposely don’t read other slice-of-life columnists. No insidious little thoughts of theirs will crawl silently into my brain as I slumber. If I don’t read them, I can’t inadvertently copy them. I don’t even read their headlines.
But I do buy books. And recently, I bought a rollicking little book called 1,003 Great Things About Getting Older. And although the format is mine and some of the entries are mine, I must sadly admit the majority of the following comes from that little gem of a book.
Enjoy it anyway. Great thoughts are meant to be shared, as long as they are credited, of course.
If you think aging means:
Vitamin B 12 shots
Estrogen Supplements
Angioplasty
And Antacid Pills
Think again!
Instead of lamenting youth’s passing, concentrate on the great things about getting older:
No one asks you anymore how you did on your SAT’s
You have a profound new respect for your knees
You no longer have to figure out if “No” means “Yes”
And you’ll never have to go in-line skating or bungee jumping
If you think aging means:
Facelifts
Electrolysis Sites
Arthritis
Heartburn and
Bifocals
Think again.
Instead of lamenting youth’s passing, concentrate on the great things about getting older:
No more long lustrous hair that gets stuck in everything
No more admiring glances from the opposite sex that distract you from figuring out which drugstore coupons to use
No more firm, firm breasts to get in the way of a good night’s sleep – yours or your partner’s
And you can finally wear a bathing suit with a skirt
If you think aging means:
Dental Implants
Mandatory Retirement
Hearing Aids
Glaucoma
And Wrinkles
Thank again.
There are great things about getting older:
Sagging jowls have made your cheekbones more prominent
Pimples on your chin are now a badge of vibrancy not a social impediment
When you travel by plane, a flight attendant will help you put your bag in an overhead compartment
When you travel by car, people will get out of your way
Chances grow smaller every year that you will die in childbirth
If you think aging means:
Hip Replacements
Root Canals
Aching Joints
Walkers
And Senility
Think again.
No more:
Tight braces on your teeth
Menstrual cramps and training bras
Breaking-up at the end of the summer
Freshman mixers
Matrimonial jitters
Entry level jobs
Home pregnancy tests
Labor pains and midnight feedings
Now that you are a woman of a certain age, you can concentrate on the great things attaining that status affords you:
Cough drops in lots of colors
Bubble gum for denture wearers
No more tedious Christmas shopping ordeals – now you can just write a check
Assurance that there’s nothing left to learn “the hard way”
And realizing that adult diapers are kind of convenient
And other people‘s wisdom can be pretty wise
Finally, on the very personal question of your virginity, at our advanced age you can be perfectly honest without the dire consequences of getting a sordid reputation. Simply reply like the character Maizy did in the Broadway musical “Shucked”:
“I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.”
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
