This week a close friend of mine sent me the following quote:
Happiness equals success over expectations
I couldn’t agree more.
Discontent is fed by our unmet expectations for others.
I have them.
And a lot of my friends have them too.
Mainly these unmet expectations are over our children –
their choices,
their priorities,
their values
and the way they lead their lives.
For the purpose of confidentiality and wanting to maintain the wonderful friendships I am privileged to have and without risking the wrath of my sons, I will not iterate on this specific topic. Trust me on this fact: a lot of real estate in our heads is taken up with wishing, hoping, praying and obsessively ruminating about the vast difference in what we expect and what we get.
So how do we manage our unmet, high and often dashed expectations?
We manage by lowering our expectations in general. When we set them too high, the likelihood of failing increases. We then experience disappointment and frustration.
For instance, many of us with grandkids out of town would like to see them way more frequently than we do. If we have realistic expectations, we can up our chances of enjoying those lovely little ones vastly more than if we are seething with bottled up negativity.
When we consider others’ perspectives, it is also much easier to keep our expectations realistic. My sons have repeatedly cited my lack of taking THEIR perspective into active consideration heightens my stress and anxiety – which, of course, can have a major negative impact on my mental and physical health. DUH!
And, of course, too high expectations can spill into other areas too.
For the last 30 months I have been acquiring used jean jackets with the idea of upcycling them after I embellish them. I am hoping to sell them for a profit. But in the early morning hours, I am often
jolted awake by ripples of fears centered on failure – thinking I may have way too high expectations for how much I can accomplish without driving myself nuts in the process.
My high expectations for success may be actually negatively impacting my ability to pursue fully this new opportunity. It so easy to tumble down a dark hole – experiencing a decrease in motivation and an uptick in stagnation and apathy when I feel I can’t live up to my own hype.
And then there is the realm of relationships and how easily they can be damaged by someone else’s too high expectations for us. Who amongst us at some point hasn’t felt pressure to be all things to a person close to us who was going through an emotionally wrenching time?
Due to a friend’s high expectations, we can feel forced to overperform and that can seamlessly lead into a negative self-image. Feeling that we can’t live up to that idealized version of ourselves as a true and loyal friend leads us to begin to question our own self-worth.
It’s not easy to overcome rigidly high expectations – our own and others. But if we find ourselves regularly feeling angry, let down or put upon by those in our inner circle, it may be time to examine those expectations.
There is hope.
Let’s try introducing flexibility into the parameters we set for ourselves and others.
Let’s try being more open-minded.
Let’s not over personalize.
Let’s seek to understand.
Let’s practice compassion.
Let’s embrace situations realistically, not idyllically.
Let’s recognize that looking at other’s perspectives can help us figure out a comfortable point for our own expectations.
These actions will prevent overall burn-out and promote healthier outcomes for us all.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
