I have a confession.
Sometimes I can say the most tactless things – not fully realizing the effect my words have.
A couple of months ago I came across this quote: I LOVE MY FRIENDS. I JUST WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH THEM.
I lightheartedly repeated the quote to some of my buddies – they were NOT amused. In fact, I think they were mightily offended.
Let’s face it: sometimes spending “quality time” with a friend can seem like work – not pleasure.
I’ll give you an example: I have a friend, Mary Ann, who always has advice about vitamin supplements:
- How many I should be taking
- How often I should be taking them
- The miraculous effects the supplements will have on my aging bones.
Green tea. Fish oil. Zinc. Vitamin C, B complex – the list goes on and on. Just thinking about having lunch with her wears me out. But afterwards, I am always thankful that I have a friend who is both knowledgeable and caring enough to share her hard-earned wisdom.
But during the lunch? I want to pull my hair out.
And I don’t know about you, but I need all the hair I still have – especially on the crown of my head.
So here’s some suggestions if you ever find yourself with a friend who is going non-stop on a subject and you are ready to start some serious hair pulling.
- Make sure you use her name and interrupt her with a compliment: Mary, Ann, your knowledge is amazing – I so appreciate your sharing all that information with me,
- Then quickly divert her: I’m curious: How’s it going for your daughter since she started university?
See how easy that was? I took the conversation down a whole new path while still showing interest in her.
Good friends can vastly enhance the quality of our lives, but their situations can also wreak havoc on our empathy and patience.
My buddy Judy is in a very unhappy marriage – her husband Joe can’t hold down a steady job even though he has a PhD in economics, doesn’t pay attention to her, gambles like crazy and tunes out the kids. Every day I hear a new example on why her marriage is unfulfilling. I am getting very tired of listening.
Let’s face it. It can be marital issues, addiction, neediness, narcissistic tendencies, health problems, emotional problems – all which can entirely occupy the real estate in a friend’s brain.
Keep in mind that your friend’s chronic complaining shrinks the part of her brain responsible for critical thinking and problem solving. Research shows it is difficult to create solutions when constantly venting.
What can we do? How can we help Judy?
- This may sound counterintuitive, but let’s try bucking up and listening to her woes.
- And listening some more.
- By helping Judy empty her bad feelings, we are helping her to find a path forward and to think through ways to solve the problem, instead of endlessly re-hashing things.
- Ask some leading questions: What have you tried thus far? How do you propose to resolve this? What do you see as the answer? What are your options?
- Let her come up with the answers – it could be spiritual support, journaling, therapy, couples marriage counseling, practicing the art of gratitude, yoga, etc. Let her lead the way.
- And when, in a future conversation, she brings up her litany of marital complaints, remind her of what she said she was going to do about her issue.This shows Judy that you are holding her accountable for getting her problem solved or at least making progress towards solving it.
We all agree: friends are essential to our well-being, happiness and sense of belonging. But many of us have friends who fall short of our expectations and sometimes we just need to vent. Not confront them.
We need to get out our anger or frustration in a healthy and benign way.
My hand-knitted dammit dolls do just that.
And here is a little poem to illustrate how they work:
Here’s your very own “Dammit Doll”
It can take a whacking
Especially when calm and serenity
In your life are lacking
So grasp it in the middle
With its button eyes facing you
Start slamming while yelling “dammit”
That’s all you have to do!
Here’s to happy, healthy and fulfilling female friendships….
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
PS: If you’d like your very own dammit doll for yourself or for a friend, let me know. Each one is unique and comes with the poem.
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