Have I Learned Anything In The Last 20 Years?

At age 55, here’s a few things I’ve learned about MYSELF:
     There is wisdom in being brief
     Being moody cancels out being charismatic
     Being explosively unkind cancels out being one of those people who prides themselves on making things better
     I’m a better healer of problems of which I am not the cause
 
Here’s one thing I’ve learned about OTHERS in my first 55 years: Males and females come into this world with different genetic pre-dispositions. 
 
Gail Evans, an executive vice-president at CNN, wrote a book entitled Play Like A Man. Win Like A Woman – What Men Know About Success That Women Need To Learn.
 
Early on, Evans discerned an innate difference between males and females. She gave birth to one daughter and two sons – and was committed to raising them all in a non-sexist atmosphere. She breast-fed all three and her observations were startling to me.
 
Evans notes that starting immediately she could spot gender-based disparities among them. 
 
 

 
 
She states that her two boys behaved alike when it came to nursing. “They sucked until their stomachs were full, they burped, filled their diapers and promptly went to sleep… quick, effortless transactions.”
 
Her daughter, Evans goes on to explain, gave a different performance. “She sucked a bit, she closed her eyes, then she’d touch, reach out, feel, suck, rest, try to open her eyes, burble, suck, touch and so on….she was interested in some kind of social relationship with me… The boys just wanted to get their fill.”
 
Hmmm……
 
An effective tool to control my own teenage rebellion was employed by my mother. All she had to say was, “Let your conscience be your guide,” and my straight-laced, guilt-ridden angst was irrevocably hammered into place. I was stymied from skipping school, ignoring my curfew, dying my hair purple and painting my fingernails turquoise blue. I couldn’t bear to think of disappointing my mom – especially when she had placed such unbridled faith in my good judgment.
 
Being the daughterless mother of five sons allowed me to soar to even greater heights in my education on what works with raising boys. Telling my sons “Let your conscience be your guide” had the opposite effect on them – opening the barnyard gate to whatever horses they wanted to ride and whatever debauchery they wanted to engage in. 
 
Hmmm…….  
 
As my boys grew up, I quickly learned to be direct with them. If I had something on my mind, I told them in a no-nonsense manner. Ditto for advice. Suggestions. Parent Perspective. Rules and Expectations. I expected my rules to be followed, my expectations to be met. And I kinda was able to talk to them in a filterless and spontaneous manner – without fear of emotional outbursts and crying jags.
 
Most of my friends who are also mothers of boys have had much more experience in dealing with their sons’ girlfriends, live-ins, intendeds, and wives than I have had at this point in my life. They caution me that when it comes to dealing with the females in my sons’ lives, I don’t have that same freedom of speech I enjoy with my boys. 
 
My friends’ messages to me: Laugh More; Fuss Less; and No Matter How Well-Intentioned, Keep Your Big Mouth Shut. And delay, delay, delay before you react.
 

 

And just because my face is the face my sons have known longer than any other face in their lives, maybe I should start exercising a little verbal restraint with them too. Lately, after a few not-so-successful forays into spewing forth with my unasked for “wisdom,” I’m beginning to think so.
 
It’s 20 years since I’ve penned the above column.
In the intervening years, in the female realm, I’ve been blessed with: 
three daughters-in-law, 
many nieces, 
and four granddaughters, with another granddaughter on the way. 
 
I’m still very much a student when it comes to dealing with the females in my family. 

What’s your take? Your experience? What are your words of wisdom resulting from lessons learned?
 
I’m welcoming feedback from you so I can “Keep Preserving My Bloom,”

Iris Ruth Pastor