Getting Past Estrangement

I remember years ago, when I was married to my first husband, traveling regularly from Florida to Ohio with my two small sons to visit my parents. Saying goodbye after an extended stay in my hometown was agonizing – my mother would cry uncontrollably and lament the unfairness of me living nearby my husband’s family and not my own. All I wanted to do was distance myself from her pain as quickly as possible. And the more miles that separated us, the calmer I felt.

I thought about that endlessly looping dynamic for years. Why my mom seemed to suffer so much more acutely than I did. Why there was such a sheer imbalance of emotional intensity. It was brought to my attention more recently in regard to comments made by my friends’ adult children and their offspring:

My son just stated driving – we used to watch all sports programs together – now he is just as likely as to be over at a friend’s house watching a ball game than at home with me hanging out. 

My favorite person to spend Saturday afternoon with is my 5 year-old little girl – and she with me. Wonder how long that will last. 

Karl Pillemer, author of Fault Lines, gave me the key to all the above imbalances:

Parents are more invested in their adult children than adult children are in their parents. Studies show that…parents view the relationship as more important and express greater commitment to it. This imbalance comes from the different relationship histories and developmental stages of each generation.…parents see their children as a continuation of themselves – their legacy. The offspring, although attached to their parents, strive for independence and autonomy… Accumulated research points to this fact: in general, parents care more. They, therefore, have more to lose in an estrangement.  

Estrangement between any two family members is a culmination of a long history of tension and disappointment, notes Pillemer. It is significant and widely toxic. The dreaded phrase uttered from one family member to another: I never want to see you again is a phrase that too often ushers in a formal declaration of estrangement and collateral damage for generations to come. Its, says Pillemer, is a “before and after moment in which everything changed irrevocably.” Angry rumination follows – as does silence, stand-offs and stonewalling. Past history shifts as it in interpreted in light of the volcanic event.

However, there are those who were able to bridge their rifts – not because their situations were easy to resolve – but because they were able to see the personal benefit of ending the estrangement – of dropping the weight of anger, hurt feelings and negativity that had plagued them for years.

THEY DID IT FOR THEMSELVES.

What did that entail?
In estrangements, both parties have composed narratives that support their sense of self and the way they think about the relationship. Estranged individuals often disagree dramatically on the meaning of the pivotal event. Those who were able to reconcile (Pillemer refers to them as Reconcilers) let go of both the need to align the two versions of the past and to agree on the past. Starting from the present was the key. (And individual counseling and therapy invariably helped this process.)

How to cross the chasm:
Successful reconcilers changed their expectations. They stopped expecting the other person to become someone he or she is not or stopped expecting that person to live up to their values. Both parties have to settles for less than they desired to restore the relationship – moving from seeking an ideal relationship to realistically attempting the best connection possible.

What’s in the reconciler’s tool kit?
Setting clear limits and boundaries
Making sure their own needs are met
Protecting oneself
And realizing “you can go home again, but it well may be a different ‘home.’”

Whichever it is, it’s definitely worth preserving.

Iris Ruth Pastor