I looked around the Thanksgiving table. There were three generations of us ranging in age from 3 months to 75 years. I was the 75 year-old – the most elderly in the room. Certainly not the most mature, nor the most logical nor the most observant. But definitely the OLDEST.
As usual, there was a big crowd and as usual, I was the person connected most closely with everyone there. So, I guess that makes me THE MATRIARCH.
Naturally, being hit by that obvious revelation, I decided to find out exactly what this status confers on me.
The definition of a matriarch is pretty straight forward:
It’s an older woman who is the head of a family, clan or tribe. And Powerful.
In earlier times, female matriarchs led the family to safety, food, and water. And she nurtured the babies, disciplined the teens, provided wisdom for her entire family, and made all the important decisions. That is obviously a VERY obsolete definition. And one in which I am quite deficient. I don’t regularly and expertly wield a knife to spur off attackers, have never ordered from Uber Eats and always seem to have the least popular brand of fizzy water in my refrigerator when my kids and their families come over. In addition, I’m not so sure my five sons and three daughters-in-law would be thrilled with me usurping their power.
Life Coach Jamie Metz came to my rescue. She iterates that “MATRIARCHY IS NOT ABOUT DOING the heavy lifting work of a mother or about nurturing and meeting the physical needs of another human on a daily basis.” Whew!
She also remarks that it’s not about “needing to be needed!” and that matriarchs are “people that love quietly and unconditionally, without competing for attention or needing anything in return.” Oy. That’s a very tall order for someone like me who craves recognition and acknowledgement pretty regularly. (Just ask my offspring!)
As far as the matriarchal role where my experience, wisdom, awareness, and compassion is needed to solve complex or sensitive issues involving human beings and their welfare? I think the general consensus in my family would be a resounding: “Keep Mom out of this. The less she knows the better…she’ll only complicate things.”
So I definitely welcomed Jamie’s 10 straight forward and important pointers on being an effective MATRIARCH of ADULTS who are important to you:
Be a good listener.
Don’t give advice.
Don’t do the work and don’t solve the problem for them.
Let them know that they are important to you, without being overwhelming.
Show up! consistently be at important events. when there, be happy!
Enjoy yourself. no drama! no gossip!
Respect their choices and don’t repeat personal things they tell you to anyone.
They may never need you. just being available to them might be more powerful than you know.
Don’t underestimate your importance. love them.
Remember it’s a long game. long as in decades! so be patient and stay subtly and wisely focused.
It’s very, very, very lucky that I have decades in this “long game” because I’ve got a lot of work to do to become an “effective” matriarch.
John Cappello, who is an award winning psychic medium and intuitive healer, also wrote about the ten traits of an effective matriarch. That list almost propelled straight to the bar for a very strong and very dirty Martini.
Here is his list: wise, empathic, loyal, flexible, consistent, predictable, simple, spiritual, positive, confident, honest, steps up to the plate when needed AND knows her place.
Conservatively speaking, of his 13 descriptions of the ideal matriarch, I respectfully and modestly submit I possess seven – though again I’m sure my offspring would respectfully and vehemently disagree and just possibly gently hint that I am once again overestimating my lofty estimation of my worth.
I’m not so sure I’m fully embracing this matriarch concept. I whole heartedly agree that an ideal matriarch should be acting in the best interest of the family. But let’s face it: opinions vary on just what “best interests” look like. And not surprisingly, on this, my boys would heartily agree with me.
However, there is still hope for me. Cappella also goes on to say that matriarchs aren’t perfect (thank goodness) and reach the level of matriarch because of their best traits. Thank goodness. I still have a fighting chance.
In the meantime, let’s all Preserve Our Blooms,
Iris Ruth Pastor
PS:
What qualifies YOU as the matriarch of your family?
